Friday, March 30, 2018

Stick with me like a scab!

Every time I climb out, I feel a little different. The bruises on my mind pulse in lavender pain. It’s not a physical pain but an emotional one. I feel like a dried up house plant that just needs a little water. As I receive this energizer my bruises slowly dissolve. I feel better, practically perfect in a sense. I push my hair out of the way and live a queen’s life. Am I manic? No. I simply don’t feel dread pressing against my soul. I feel refreshed and energized.

I’m going to fall into the pit again. I’ll place my hands behind my back and push myself into it. It will happen. It seems like I exhibit no resistance, I just do it. The only problem is that I don’t know when it will happen. There are moments where it feels like an eternity has passed before my slippery fingers slither behind me and force me into the abyss. There are other moments where my digits move with cheetah speed and before I know it I’m falling.

I was recently in an angry place. I was close to breaking, turning in my towel. I was going to call it quits. If you read my previous post then you’d know just how I felt. I can’t recall the exact moment when the rope was thrown down to me and I was able to climb out of this cloudy despair but it appeared and I climbed. This queen climbed out and didn’t even mind the sweat that drenched his face as he rose from the ashes of his own despair (did I mention I’m dramatic). There were a few days that I felt like I wasn’t going to make it. I owe a lot to the people around me. Their texts, messages, and other words of advice gave me courage to keep going. Thank you!

I know that I’m going to fall again but I’m trying to prepare myself for that moment. I’m taking steps to assure that when I do get pushed back in, I won’t fall too far. I’m going to focus on the positives in my life, even when the negatives seem more prevalent. I’m going to take walks, bake, and write. I’m going to force myself to pull my head away from the corners of my couch and interact. I’m starting a journal where I’m going to write all of the feelings that I can’t on this blog. I’m going to get better.

It’s been really hard for me to admit this but I have depression. It’s not something that’s going to go away. But, it’s not something that needs to control me. I have a black dog and he’s about to be put on a leash!

Someone asked me the other day why I write some of the things in my blog. He questioned why I described things the way I do. I don’t write something in my blog without thinking about it. I sometimes start a post, write for a few hours, and then delete the entire thing. I’m not a perfectionist by any means. I just want to write things that are important. It seems at times that all I ever do is talk about myself, and sure this queen is very self-centered, but I write in order to help others find hope in themselves. When I write something there is a reason. That being said, I want to get away from myself. Is there anything you all want to read? Any questions you have that you want me to answer? Do you want more or less of something? I’m not going to talk about depression or medical issues unless they are so pressing that I need to get them out….like my sad corn allergy! What do you guys want? Food blogs? Vlogs? Porn? Nature photos? Gardening tips? Religion? All of the above? Let me know, I’m at your bidding!

-Jer

Saturday, March 24, 2018

The tornado had cows!

I'll be honest, I was stuck in a tornado. I flew through it hitting cows, goats, barn silos, and random cars. For the last few weeks I was carried inside of this tornado being ripped apart. My clothes flew from my body and my nakedness felt exposed to the entire world. It wasn't a physical disruption to my life but a mental and emotional one. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and pretend like I didn't exist. Every fiber of my being wanted to melt away into a puddle of self-pity and disappear down the sewer drain where I felt like I'd be the most at home. If I had one super-power it would have been to disappear. I felt people would be happier if I was gone and not throwing around my shade like parade candy.

 It's interesting to take a step back and watch the people around you. It's fascinating to see how they interact in certain situations. I watched as some of the people around me built small defenses to keep my struggles from seeping through their carefully built walls. They made an attempt to ask how I was but nothing further came from that. The moment that I said something that shook their fragile lives they quickly rebuilt the part of the brick wall that my answer destroyed. It's human nature. We are wired for self-preservation. When we put our hand on a hot stove we don't keep it there, we quickly remove it and take care of the burn. I don't fault anyone for staying away. When you don't know how to handle someone's situation, it can be hard to dive in and hope that the water won't drown you.

There are people in my life who took a step forward and plunged into the pond. They took it upon themselves to find ways to break up my pity-party. The invite might have only been extended to myself but they crashed the party anyway, knowing that staying alone was the last thing I needed.
 I want to say thank you to those people. It was never my intention to let anyone into my personal circle but somehow you managed to squeeze into it. In a small way, you helped me see that the shallow grave I was building for myself wasn't what I should be doing. Knowing that there were people who cared for my well-being, helped spring me back to the surface of the abyss that I had fallen into. I might still be hovering over it, looking deep into it with transfixed eyes, but knowing that you pulled me out of it is a major step for me. Thank you. You helped me realize that I was going somewhere that I didn't want to go. You stopped the tornado and the livestock that pelted me on all sides.

There is someone in all of our lives who is silently rooting for us in the background. There is a friend, spouse, child, parent, or sibling cheering you on. You might not always be able to hear them but they are screaming as loud as they can. I know this from personal experience. There are moments where I feel so dark about life that I don't know what to do with myself. My heart hurts so much and I just want the pain to stop. As I struggle to keep away from other people there are people fighting to help me see that I'm not alone. There are people encouraging me to be better. They force me to see the good in myself, regardless of whether I want to see it or not. It's when I feel the most alone in this world that I finally notice the cheering crowd around me. 

 There is no one in this world that deserves to be forgotten. There is no one who deserves to be cast aside and left to fend off the beasts for themselves. We all have our struggles. Instead of trying to find ways to further damage people, we should uplift them, encourage them, and notice the good that they ARE doing. Everyone needs someone, should have someone, and everyone who reads this does have someone. I might be broken, soulless, and heartless but I'm shouting encouraging words to all of you. There are so many people out there who are trying to damage our fragile brick walls. They want us to fail so that they can succeed. Take courage my friends, and know that I notice the good you do. Not everything tastes like seafood!

-Jer