Monday, March 12, 2018

I think someone skipped his nap!


I swear a few times in this post. I only used one "naughty" word, but I used it a few times. If you or your spirit is prone to being offended by swears, refrain from continuing your reading of my post. Thanks friends!


I know that I don’t have a terrible life. I have a family that loves me. I have a job. I have God. But, I still feel the sharp blade of depression resting so cleverly in my back. I feel it poking deeper, reaching towards my heart. My very soul quivers beneath this sharp blade. It creeps so keenly towards every emotion that I possess. Its dividing force is drawing closer to separating me from me.

It’s easy for me to step away from myself and help other tame their black dogs. I determined a long time ago that I didn’t want anyone to have to feel the things that I do. I set out on a mission to extinguish this debilitating illness from those around me. I help where I can. I lift burdens. I succor. I provide sustenance. I try to help others find something to live for and strive towards. But, I can’t seem to do it for myself.       

I’m fucked up, I know. When I say I’m barely hanging by a few thin threads, I mean it. I’m constantly thinking about when the moment will be when I can’t hang on anymore. When will the last few strings slip through my slick fingers? I’m tired and my arms are giving out. I feel the void trying to suck me in. I’m not sure how much longer I can resist the temptation to let it all go. I don’t know when the moment will be when the thoughts of emptiness will outweigh these few meager threads.
I often wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I hang over a crevice that fills with deep sadness and anger but then quickly ejaculates it out of the hole and into a deeper abyss. I don’t hold onto any emotion for longer than I have to. It hurts. I’ve tried to carry them with me as long as I could and was left feeling like a torn up rag doll forgotten by a child.

I sound extremely dramatic but God knows that it’s the only way a person like me can describe his fucked up life. I hide it well, don’t you think? I smile, sing, and make off-colored jokes. I spread myself thin with toxic gossip so that if someone even comes close to my vulnerabilities I can deflect with some spilled tea. I’m fake. I’m everything I despise in other people. A hypocrite. A fool.

I’m not a saint but I try to be. Everyone prays in the end, right? We all eventually pour our hearts out to someone or something and ask that they take this away from us. In our own sick fucked up heads, we imagine someone with the power to deflate our dread. We pretend that they hold a giant needle to pop the bubble of despair that shrouds our very existence. I fall on my knees almost every night in hopes that my maker will relieve me from my ever depressing duties on earth.

It’s easy for others to tell me to be happy. It’s simple to stand on a soapbox and lord over the oppressed with your shouts of positive thinking and living. They say, “Just think of everything that makes you happy”, while pointing a laser at their power point titled, “There is sunshine in my soul today”. There is no sunshine in my soul and regardless of how many carefully placed slides you have in your presentation I’m still not going to feel joyful. I know that I have things in my life that should make me happy but I’m not happy. I’m not a happy person. I’m cynical, self-centered, and egotistical. Unless I’ve spoken to you about the constant tornado of depressing feelings that I have, you’d honestly never know. It’s easy to tell someone that you feel tired or worn out. Instead of prancing upon your wooden crate maybe you should step down off of the splinter infested chest and get on the same level as those who struggle.

I did not write this to garnish sympathy. I wrote it so that you can see that life isn’t all pleasant for those around you. Sometimes, there are people in your life that are fucked up. They dread waking up each day and placing a mask on their face. They despise communication because one slip could mean creating distance between themselves and the people they crave to be close to. They walk around in a disgrace, stuck in their own heads, becoming their own enemies. They want to give up and stop feeling altogether. They plead inside that someone will take away these feelings. They question, what the fuck is wrong with me.

I know I mentioned people getting off their soapboxes but I also said I was a hypocrite so bugger off!


Monday, March 5, 2018

Come and stand under my shade tree

Water erosion created this picturesque scene
I have so much on my mind. It's hard to process one thing without another worming its head into the picture. I usually let writing do the talking. I express my feelings through the words that I put on the pages of my notebooks and journals. I use this platform to narrow in on those bombarding thoughts. Lately, it seems that more than one thought wants to be painted. I'm not even sure this entry will suffice to bring solace to an overcrowded head. I shall try.

I'm sick and tired of all of the idiots spouting off their ideas on social media. If you don't have anything to back up your opinions, do us all a favor and stop trying to sound smarter than you are. I'm tired of people who preach tolerance and then turn around and spew hate towards others. I'm sick of reading about people who insist that we should respect the rights and opinions of others and then state how their opinion is the only right one and the opposing opinions are coming from a place of bigotry and arrogance. I've sat back and read and listened as people make fools of themselves, laughing at their hypocrisy. I'm not going to sit back anymore. If you are going to insist on promoting your agenda then I'm going to insist on humbling you in your process. I've grown to dislike reading through my social media feeds. The dissemblers who promote their ignorant schemes are becoming a blight.

That being said, there are a lot of people who truly know what they are talking about when they voice their thoughts and feelings, which sometimes isn't very often. Often, they stand silent, knowing that a runaway word might do more harm than good. They stand bold in their beliefs and won't back down. They've carefully studied. They haven't lightly made decisions based on one or two events. They've devoted time in gaining an understanding of the things that they find to be true. They don't allow the self-righteous dullards to antagonize them into saying something unrestrained. They have a fire burning within their very souls and won't let the ideas of the uneducated masses possess them. They don't wait for a specific event to make a difference. They devote their entire lives in attempting to fix the injustices in the world. They don't get on social media and try and belittle others. These are the true leaders of the world. They are the ones who will make a difference in the end.

I have opinions, sometimes really strong ones. I don't express these feelings unless someone or something aggravates me to the point that I cannot keep silent. I find these people to be mountains. They stand tall, lording over everyone else. They feel that their size gives them the right to intimidate anything smaller than them. What they don't realize is that the wind and water are silently and patiently eroding them in some way. It is the wind and the water that cause change. The mountains eventually do bow to the power of these other two forces. Mountains are corruptible and will not stand forever.

Wind erosion created these beautiful formations