Wednesday, May 2, 2018

My beauties

I wrote this last Sunday but didn't have time to post it until tonight. Thanks friends.

As I finish up my week of cupcakes, I’d be abashed if I didn’t take a moment and talk about the what’s and the why’s I did this. I know a lot of you are curious as to the reasoning’s behind so many Instagram posts and facebook updates regarding my bakingness. I hope that I can give you a little clarification.

The obvious reason was that I wanted to practice. One of my friends (I still have those) asked last week if I’d be willing to make some cupcakes for a graduation party. I was excited as this was the first opportunity that I had to share my skills with other people outside of my family. I didn’t want to let her down and knew that if I practiced my cupcakes skills, I’d be able to make something that she’d find to be awesome. I found though, that I didn’t want to open a cookbook and make any old cupcake. I wanted to put my signature onto it. I wanted to create a cupcake formula that would stick out as one that people would enjoy and that I could call my own.

It took me a couple of days to create a worthy recipe. I poured over cookbooks, finding formulas and writing down the similarities and differences of each. I made so many batches of little cakes that in the span of only 4 days I went through 4 pounds of butter, almost 1.5 pounds of flour, a pound of cocoa, a gallon of buttermilk, a pound of chocolate chips, and almost a pound of sugar. I made chocolate, triple chocolate, devil’s food, orange, and raspberry. I filled some with cream and decorated others with cute little sugar crystals. I wanted things to be perfect for this party. I wanted them to bite into my little beauties and have a flavor sensation hit their palettes.
 When the day finally came to stop practicing, I was sure something was going to go wrong. I spent the entire workday pining over everything that could go amiss. Melissa would forget to take the ingredients out so I would be working with cold ingredients. The power would go out and I wouldn’t be able to bake them. The utensils would break. The little beauties would fall onto the floor when everything was done. My friend would hate them. All of these emotions coursed through my body as blood through my veins. Man, I really do have issues. I wanted everything to turn out and I was convinced that it wouldn’t. I was wrong. Everything turned out great and as far as I know, my friend and her party peeps loved them. Melissa took out my needed ingredients. There were no floor messes or breakages. Everything went as I needed them to go. I was happy. Nervous…but happy.

This wouldn’t be an interesting post if I didn’t tell you another reason I went to all of this effort. At the beginning of the week, I didn’t quite understand why I was trying so hard. I’m not really one to like cupcakes, or any sort of cake for that matter. I especially steer quite clear of anything chocolate cake related, as the bitter taste of the brown demon in any form elicits terrible sensations on my tongue. So, why did I work so hard to create something brilliant? It was a way to distract me. It provided me a way of escaping the demons that haunt my soul. My friend doesn’t know this but by asking me to make her some cupcakes, she was helping me to battle those little thoughts that creep into my head if I stand still for too long. I’m sure she wonders why I keep saying thank you to her for letting me do this but it’s no wonder in my mind. My escape from the treacherous fiends who plague my head is baking. Baking reroutes my thoughts and directs them towards something that I can feel happy about.

As I close cupcake week and look forward to what delicious treats or baked goods next week might hold, I decided to make little beauties to celebrate my new outlet. These birthday cake beauties shock the tongue with a sweetness overload. They are a vanilla cupcake with festive sprinkles folded nicely into the batter. A filling of sweet vanilla cream echoes the feelings the cake itself brought to the table. I topped each cake with a rich vanilla buttercream and even more sprinkles.



Friday, March 30, 2018

Stick with me like a scab!

Every time I climb out, I feel a little different. The bruises on my mind pulse in lavender pain. It’s not a physical pain but an emotional one. I feel like a dried up house plant that just needs a little water. As I receive this energizer my bruises slowly dissolve. I feel better, practically perfect in a sense. I push my hair out of the way and live a queen’s life. Am I manic? No. I simply don’t feel dread pressing against my soul. I feel refreshed and energized.

I’m going to fall into the pit again. I’ll place my hands behind my back and push myself into it. It will happen. It seems like I exhibit no resistance, I just do it. The only problem is that I don’t know when it will happen. There are moments where it feels like an eternity has passed before my slippery fingers slither behind me and force me into the abyss. There are other moments where my digits move with cheetah speed and before I know it I’m falling.

I was recently in an angry place. I was close to breaking, turning in my towel. I was going to call it quits. If you read my previous post then you’d know just how I felt. I can’t recall the exact moment when the rope was thrown down to me and I was able to climb out of this cloudy despair but it appeared and I climbed. This queen climbed out and didn’t even mind the sweat that drenched his face as he rose from the ashes of his own despair (did I mention I’m dramatic). There were a few days that I felt like I wasn’t going to make it. I owe a lot to the people around me. Their texts, messages, and other words of advice gave me courage to keep going. Thank you!

I know that I’m going to fall again but I’m trying to prepare myself for that moment. I’m taking steps to assure that when I do get pushed back in, I won’t fall too far. I’m going to focus on the positives in my life, even when the negatives seem more prevalent. I’m going to take walks, bake, and write. I’m going to force myself to pull my head away from the corners of my couch and interact. I’m starting a journal where I’m going to write all of the feelings that I can’t on this blog. I’m going to get better.

It’s been really hard for me to admit this but I have depression. It’s not something that’s going to go away. But, it’s not something that needs to control me. I have a black dog and he’s about to be put on a leash!

Someone asked me the other day why I write some of the things in my blog. He questioned why I described things the way I do. I don’t write something in my blog without thinking about it. I sometimes start a post, write for a few hours, and then delete the entire thing. I’m not a perfectionist by any means. I just want to write things that are important. It seems at times that all I ever do is talk about myself, and sure this queen is very self-centered, but I write in order to help others find hope in themselves. When I write something there is a reason. That being said, I want to get away from myself. Is there anything you all want to read? Any questions you have that you want me to answer? Do you want more or less of something? I’m not going to talk about depression or medical issues unless they are so pressing that I need to get them out….like my sad corn allergy! What do you guys want? Food blogs? Vlogs? Porn? Nature photos? Gardening tips? Religion? All of the above? Let me know, I’m at your bidding!