Every time I climb out, I feel a little different. The bruises on my mind pulse in lavender pain. It’s not a physical pain but an emotional one. I feel like a dried up house plant that just needs a little water. As I receive this energizer my bruises slowly dissolve. I feel better, practically perfect in a sense. I push my hair out of the way and live a queen’s life. Am I manic? No. I simply don’t feel dread pressing against my soul. I feel refreshed and energized.
I’m going to fall into the pit again. I’ll place my hands behind my back and push myself into it. It will happen. It seems like I exhibit no resistance, I just do it. The only problem is that I don’t know when it will happen. There are moments where it feels like an eternity has passed before my slippery fingers slither behind me and force me into the abyss. There are other moments where my digits move with cheetah speed and before I know it I’m falling.
I was recently in an angry place. I was close to breaking, turning in my towel. I was going to call it quits. If you read my previous post then you’d know just how I felt. I can’t recall the exact moment when the rope was thrown down to me and I was able to climb out of this cloudy despair but it appeared and I climbed. This queen climbed out and didn’t even mind the sweat that drenched his face as he rose from the ashes of his own despair (did I mention I’m dramatic). There were a few days that I felt like I wasn’t going to make it. I owe a lot to the people around me. Their texts, messages, and other words of advice gave me courage to keep going. Thank you!
I know that I’m going to fall again but I’m trying to prepare myself for that moment. I’m taking steps to assure that when I do get pushed back in, I won’t fall too far. I’m going to focus on the positives in my life, even when the negatives seem more prevalent. I’m going to take walks, bake, and write. I’m going to force myself to pull my head away from the corners of my couch and interact. I’m starting a journal where I’m going to write all of the feelings that I can’t on this blog. I’m going to get better.
It’s been really hard for me to admit this but I have depression. It’s not something that’s going to go away. But, it’s not something that needs to control me. I have a black dog and he’s about to be put on a leash!
Someone asked me the other day why I write some of the things in my blog. He questioned why I described things the way I do. I don’t write something in my blog without thinking about it. I sometimes start a post, write for a few hours, and then delete the entire thing. I’m not a perfectionist by any means. I just want to write things that are important. It seems at times that all I ever do is talk about myself, and sure this queen is very self-centered, but I write in order to help others find hope in themselves. When I write something there is a reason. That being said, I want to get away from myself. Is there anything you all want to read? Any questions you have that you want me to answer? Do you want more or less of something? I’m not going to talk about depression or medical issues unless they are so pressing that I need to get them out….like my sad corn allergy! What do you guys want? Food blogs? Vlogs? Porn? Nature photos? Gardening tips? Religion? All of the above? Let me know, I’m at your bidding!