I rub my nipples, what a delight!

I haven't written all summer and now I feel useless. I feel like I've sort of abandoned all of you to the wolves; wolves with sharp teeth eager to bite into fleshy and squishy butts. Please, don't judge me for my imagination. It's this "imagination" that has provided so much laughter for all of you in the past. Now, back to the wolves. They are silver-back wolves (not sure if this is an actual thing...JUST GO WITH IT), and they have a hunger that runs deep within their bellies. They yearn for the flesh of plump rumps. I hope you all survived. If you have, don't worry the silver-backs are safely in their cave sleeping off their recent feast...you know, because butts are filling and all.

GIVE ME BUTTS!!!

 I'm taking a break from the writing day thing, not that you ever got any writings from me. I'm such a failure at this blog life. I hope you all have the patience of Job. If you don't know who Job is, open a bible. If you don't believe in the bible then think about the most patient person you know, Justin Bieber maybe, and I hope you have that amount of patience. I am starting school in a week and will be taking a lot of writing courses. The hours I spend on this computer will be great. I might even start losing my mind and consider dropping out and running away naked into the dark (kinky, I know). I have two more semesters and I can't seem to fathom getting there. The bright light I saw at the end of the tunnel has dimmed and all I see now are papers and stories and poems and boring authors that no one has even heard of unless you are an English major.  My point is, consider this a reprieve from the writings that you will be forced to read. I say forced because I can imagine all of you tied up, being made to read my blog until your eyes pop out of your head, screaming for the pain to be over. It's never over!!! ***laughs awkwardly***

 I want to share a letter that I wrote to no one in particular about a subject that really isn't defined throughout the entire piece. If you want to simply insert your name, I'll only feel slightly embarrassed for you.

Dear you (this is where you insert your name),

Today, is a good day. Today, you have decided to wake up, get out of bed, and do something. If that is all you manage to do, let it be enough. You are amazing. You are spectacular. Life isn't about jumping over hurdles every day. There are days when you need to rest on the bench and watch others struggle a bit. You've done your share of struggling, and if all you can manage to do today is watch someone else struggle, then let that be enough. I won't think you're a monster or anything.

People aren't always going to be your best friends. There are people who don't like you. It's hard to believe, especially if you are under the impression that everyone needs to be your friend. The truth is however, you aren't a dog. You can't live in an ignorant delusion, thinking that anything and everything is your friend. Now, stop peeing on your neighbors, it's what makes them dislike you in the first place. Seriously though, you don't need everyone to like you. Who wants to be that guy/gal who lives in some Cinderella type fantasy world where everyone likes you. Hello! In the end good ol' Cindy still only had a group of mice as friends...and rabies, I'm pretty sure she had rabies. If you can only imagine that I'm your friend let that be your success. At least I won't give you rabies like the mice gave poor Cindy.

If there is anything that I've learned in the 31 years of being on this God forsaken rock it's this, stop caring what people think about you. The first step in not becoming a delusional weirdo, thinking it's okay to pee on the neighbors and talking to mice, is to accept that you are good enough. You might not be the best, but you are definitely that pat on the back that everyone thinks is weird when someone does it to you, but not so weird that you freak out. You are a B and that's still passing. You might be going to some third world country in order to get a Master's Degree, but at least you're going. So...yeah! Go you! I say this for a few reasons. First, it was when I stopped caring what other people thought about me and what I was doing and where I was going and what I was eating and where I was eating it, that I was able to get up in the morning. It was when I was able to say that a B gets a degree (it's a college thing, you wouldn't understand) that I was able to sit on the bench and watch others struggle. It was when I was able to say that a third world country Master's Degree is better than no Master's Degree at all, that I was able to go and pee on the neighbor. Sometimes, you have to roll down your window and scream your favorite boy band song to the old lady in the car next to you that you think is going to be super slow, but ends up leaving you in the dust. Go Granny, Go! Sometimes, you have to leave your windows open while you shower and let the neighbor (not the one you peed on) here you sing Hairspray at the top of your lungs. When you can stop caring what others think, you can write blog posts that have no meaning, because you know that hardly anyone reads them anyway.

It's like my homie Bruno Mars once said, "are you mad, fix your face". Fix it like you've never fixed it before. Smile a little more, frown if you smile too much, and know that peanut butter m & m' s are #life. Even if you're allergic, at least you tasted something super amazing before you #died!

Always your most humble advice giver,

-Jer