Thursday, July 9, 2015

Let's all just hug it out!

 The intention of this post is not to offend anyone.  Please, if you are easily offended do not read.  Also, it's a little long.  You have been warned.

When I was younger I lived in a delirious world where I thought everything was happiness and sunshine.  I pondered whether I was going to become a fireman or a lizard when I grew up.  I wondered how many candy bars I could steal from my parents cupboard before I got caught.  I would sneak into my brothers room and play with his expensive collectables and wonder if I would get into trouble.  I didn't care about the consequence I would face because it was my world, and it was all about me. It was due to this delusion that I couldn't see the pains of the people around me.  When people were hurt or upset I chalked it up to a bad game of candy land...or something.  I never noticed the whirlwinds that were surrounding me because I was too busy pretending to be a cheetah or a power ranger...or a cheetah power ranger. 
This cheetah turns into a power ranger...mind blown!

Today, I still face that dilemma, only in a different way.  I'm kept in the dark about many of the things that go on in the lives of those around me.  When I learn something about someone it's either from a third-party or after the situation is over.  I know this sounds like I'm complaining...and I am, but I promise I have point.  This has given me the unconscious idea that I don't need to open up or tell anyone else anything.  It seems foreign to me and even when I try and open up my personal book it comes across as sarcasm or even anger.  In this post, I want to do something that I rarely do with people, open up.  I want to share with you apart of my past that I haven't ever shared with anyone (expect my wife).


When I came home from my mission after the third time of trying, I felt abandoned.  I had tried to serve Jesus three times and I came up short all three times.  I ended up with three different illnesses that I will suffer with for the rest of my life, and when I came home I felt like no one was there.  I needed someone to talk to me.  I needed them to tell me that I wasn't a failure.  I needed them to help me fix myself emotionally not just physically.  The first day I was home I layed on the floor in my bedroom and cried.  I felt like I was worthless.  I felt like the weight of the world had rested on my chest and I couldn't breathe.  I felt like the reason I had been sent home every time I tried to go out was because I was hated by God in some way.  I could not see the good.  I had no one to help me see it either.  I felt like the worst person in the world.

I began to find things to distract me from the sense of failure.  I started to smoke cigarettes to calm my stress.  It didn't work and only made me feel guilty because I had smoked them.  I'm grateful for an awesome roommate who was willing to put up with me during that time and even threw my cigarettes away when I bought them.  I also slowly became dependent on prescription drugs.  It was easy for me to get them because I was in so much pain that I just had to ask for more and was given them.  I took them every day in order to block everything out.  I realized that I had a problem when I couldn't think of anything else.  It was another awesome roommate who helped me stop.  We talked and decided that the pain I would have would be better than continuing the addiction to drugs. 

When the last of the drugs left my body I felt the world crash onto my chest again.  I had to force myself to start thinking about everything.  The failure crept back in like a bull in a china shop.  I felt hopeless.  I felt like throwing in the towel, but I worked through it.  I placed everything on the table and studied it.  Every puzzle I could figure out went into the box and got thrown away.  When I got married, I still struggled with some things so I carried them with me into marriage.  I continued to put puzzle pieces together and then throw them away.  It wasn't until four years into my marriage that I finally threw the last puzzle away.  Now, I look back at them and realize how stupid they were to keep around.  They took so much space in my mind and didn't allow me to think about anything else.

I share this with you because I've been thinking a lot about my mission lately.  It's been ten years since I left and nine since I got sent home.  I'm over all of the heartache that it caused.  When I think of my mission it's only in a good way.  I remember meeting some incredible people.  I met people who I consider family.  I still talk with them and would do anything for them.  I look at the pictures and see all of the beautiful places I lived and explored.  I have stories that will stay with me forever.  I've had adventures that I can't wait to share with my children when they get older.

I also share this with you because I know that there are people who are suffering with different things.  Please, don't be afraid to speak up.  Please, don't think that the world has abandoned you.  You are worth it.  You might be having a difficult time with something that you don't think anyone will ever understand.  Please, don't think this should prevent you from sharing your thoughts and feelings.  Please, don't make choices and decisions that will haunt you for the rest of your life.  If you need to talk force someone to listen to you.  You might feel like you shouldn't have to force it, but people are stupid.  They sometimes need a kick in the butt in order to realize something is wrong.  I felt for years that I had no one to turn to, and if I had only opened my mouth and said something I would have found at least one person to listen.  If you can't find anyone, talk to me.  You aren't alone to suffer with whatever is going on by yourself.  Please, don't give up.  Don't think that you need to end it all in order to make the pain stop.  Please, don't think you need to turn to drugs in order to stop the pain.  It will help at first, but eventually you will have to face up to your feelings and then have an added issue to face.  Remember, you are wanted.  You are needed.  You aren't alone.


No comments: