Friday, January 15, 2016

I hate you toilet!

When I was 19 years old I was told by a doctor that I had cysts and Polyps in my sinuses.  After having surgery in order to clear everything out, I was told that I wouldn't ever breathe the same again.

 When I was 20, I was told that I would suffer with headaches and migraines everyday for the rest of my life.  You see, I got bit by a mosquito who gave me an infection called dengue fever.  The fever itself triggered a switch in my brain telling it to provide me with pain for the rest of my life.  I've been asked by a lot of people if the switch will ever turn off.  The answer so far is no.

Again, during my 20th year, my gut decided to turn against me.  It all started when I found blood, and a lot of it, when I went to the bathroom(gross I know).  This was followed by excruciating pain caused mutually between my stomach and my intestines.  If I could describe it in any way, it was almost like they were both having a sword fight.  Every jab and stab caused me to double over in pain, sometimes hiding away so that I could scream, hoping to scream this pain away.  The next 2 years were spent trying to figure out what was going on with me.  I went through more testing than I had ever gone through in my entire life.  I believe in that two year span I was in and out of the doctor more times than my entire life combined, as well.  One day, I went to the doctor for what seemed the millionth time, and he told me this, "Jeremy, I don't know what you have.  In your chart however, I'm going to write that you have IBS.  I don't think you have IBS, but I'm writing in there, just so I have something to write".  This was the last time I went to the doctor.

Now, don't feel pity for me.  If I wanted to throw a pity party tonight I would have purchased some balloons.  I would have made a cake and put candles in it (just for the hell of it).  I would have pulled out the camera and would have taken a lot of sad pictures of myself.  But, since I didn't do any of that, don't pity me.  I've learned a lot in past few years.  I've seen my weaknesses and been shown how to make myself stronger.  I'm trying my hardest to be a better person.  I technically told you that the last time I went to the doctor was when I was 22 (unlike Taylor Swift I wasn't feeling 22 at the time...more like 40), and it was when I was 22 that I started to figure things out for myself.

I knew that the problem lie in what I was putting into my body.  But, at the time, the younger version of me was too damn prideful to want to change.  I loved pizza, still do to this day, I loved fried foods, and couldn't get enough of a good hamburger.  I ate a lot of sandwiches, dairy, and like I  But, in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that I wasn't doing my body any good.  Every time I'd eat a slice of pizza (did I mention my emotional attachment towards pizza), I'd think, "you are going to have the worst diarrhea in three hours", and if you think that's gross, believe me when I say that's not even the half of it.  There were times, and still are, where it felt/feels like there was/is lava coming from my bumholio.

I gave up a lot of things in my search to find out what in heavens name was wrong with me.  I stopped eating gluten.  I wrote a lot of papers for English classes, trying to convince myself that gluten was the problem.  But, the acid kept coming.  I decided that maybe it was dairy.  So, I convinced Melissa that we needed to start drinking almond milk.  I hated almond milk, and it didn't take care of the fire.  I went through a lot of things before it finally hit me what was wrong.  My body just simply hates everything.  So, what was I willing to do about it, you might ask?  Well, this past year, I started to finally narrow it down.  You see, I finally decided that my love affair with pizza needed to stop.  It was causing me so much pain.  And now, I'm only in emotional pain for the break-up with such an amazing food.  I still sneak it every now and then, a guilty pleasure so to speak, but I suffer with the pizza squirts.  I make delicious sweets and don't even eat a morsel.  I slice, dice, and chop various meat products at work and don't partake.  Every day I have to suffer with frying up french fries, chicken tenders, breakfast burritos, etc, and have to refrain from such delicious delicacies.  My body absolutely hates fat.  The more fat, grease, and oil something has, the worse my body is going to react to it.  It's been like this for years, I just decided that I'm finally done spending half of my life praying to the porcelain Goddess to take away the magma spewing from my nether regions.         

I'm finally starting to feel healthy again.  My body is slowly starting to deflate from the bloating that I've lived with for years.  It's still a process however, since I find myself slipping up every now and then.  I have more energy than I feel like I've had in a long time.  It's an amazing feeling when, even after a long day at work, I can make dinner for my family, including a homemade cake or other sweet.  I can play with my kids.  We can dance around the room and bother the old lady living below us.  I find that I have more focus, which helps me get homework done.  I'm just upset it has taken me so long to feel ready to stop running to the toilet every 5 minutes. 

Now, why did I tell you all of this?  Well, for a few reasons.  First, I'm like a wild animal.  Please, don't feed me something that will harm me.  This includes high fatty meats, fried foods, high fat dairy products, yummy baked goods with that silky cream cheese frosting on top, and all of that stick to your ribs goodness.  If you feed me pizza, I will expect everyone to feed me pizza, and I'll forget to find my own sources of food, because you (I really have pizza problems, don't I).  Second, if you are struggling with extremely painful diarreah, you aren't alone.  There is at least one other person who has taken their turn with the Goddess of the bathroom.  Also, moo cream(brand name), does wonders.  Also, don't use dry paper towels...they make wiping feel like you are attempting to do with with sandpaper(I'll never tell how I know that).  Third, if you are finding yourself in the depths of despair because you really want a baconator from Wendy's, know that you are disgusting and need to fix yourself immediately.  There is nothing redeemable about that and I am judging you. 


Looks like I did bring some balloons!  Who has the pizza?

If you made it this far, let me tell you three things that helped me be happy today. 

1. I had pizza for lunch...seriously I was naughty.  Let's consider this a cheat day...but now it's a cheat day that I've been spending a cheat night on the toilet. 

2. I got my geology homework done.

3. I didn't punch anyone in the throat at work even though I wanted to. 

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