Monday, January 11, 2016

An open letter

I wrote a letter that I wanted to share with all of those who are near and dear to me.  I wanted you all to understand the journey of discovery that I have found myself.  I will share this letter with all of you in hopes that you will find some understanding in what I am trying to accomplish with my life and that of my family...but first!  Let's speak about happy things.  I've been bad at writing on here everyday so I have to write 6 things again that have made me feel happy these past few days.  

1.  I was able to get all of my work done in a timely manner and thus was able to come home early.

2. I discovered the sweet sounds of spotify.  

3. I was able to take nap, which helped me not be too grumpy.

4.  I was able to sleep until 5 AM.

5. I went to a parent teacher conference for Paige, only to find out that she is excelling in everything that she does...being bossy included.

6. School started today and for the first time I didn't feel overwhelmed about the amount of work I'm about to get myself into.

Now, for the letter.  I hope you keep an open-mind and don't jump to quick conclusions about the purpose of it.  It is intended to help my friends and family understand what is happening in my life.  I originally wrote this with Melissa so I'm changing the "we" to "I" since this is my blog.  Forgive me if I have forgotten to change anything.  Also, this is a truncated version of the entire letter.  I'm hoping that what I do share with you will make sense.

Dear Family and Friends,

First, I want to say how amazing you all are.  You have all, on an individual basis, bettered my family in one way or another.  I am glad for the associations that I have with each and every one of you and hope that these relationships can only deepen in the future.

 I’m sure that you are all wondering why I am writing you a letter.  I have a few things that I would like to say and a letter seems to be the best way for me to get this across to all of you.  I seem to be more eloquent with my words when I write them down.  That being said, I am only responsible for what I am here to say, not what you understand.  I hope that you take what I say seriously, but also that you won’t allow these words to change your attitude towards me.

It seems lately that I have found myself on a journey of discovery.  I have been searching, studying, praying, exploring, and every other word that you can think of to say that I am on an adventure of a lifetime, an experience of existence.  I want to explore everything that the world has to offer.  I want to laugh and cry for no reason at all.  I want to explore my spirituality for everything that it is.  I want to pray in foreign countries, in whatever temple of worship I find myself.  I want to travel to every part of the world.  I want to climb the highest peak and plunge into the deepest watery depths.  I want to wake up in foreign countries and eat unorthodox foods.  I don’t want to sit here idly and watch as this amazing experience called life passes me by. 
When I say that I have been searching, it’s not something I’ve been doing passively.  I have been anxiously engaged in trying to figure out what makes me happy and where I want to see my life going.  I have journeyed into the past and have spent many years exploring who I am. I’ve wept as I have remembered the hardships.  I've laughed as I conversed about the moments that made my life exciting.  I’ve journeyed into the future and envisioned the unknown.  I've been enchanted with every possible future I have been able to see.  I have also been living in the moment, realizing that in order for the future that I want to happen, I must plan now.  I have slowly started to discover what I want for my future and that what I have felt in the past might only harm me.  I have opened my mind to the possibility that what I was once taught might not be what I want now nor in the future.  I am slowly allowing myself to let go of the life that has held me back for so long.  I am discovering who I am individually. 

 I have begun to find peace in my life.  I am finally ready to settle down and find a forever home.  Since my family began, I have been trying to figure out where I fit in.  I have moved around every year, trying to find my little notch, only to discover that once I figured out who I was individually, I could figure out what I wanted for my family.  I have spent the six and a half years that I have had my own family trying to appease everyone and not step on any toes.  I have been passive-aggressively trying to make my own decisions without hurting anyone.  It was only when one of you told me that I needed to stop all of this passive-aggressive bull crap that I was able to start thinking for myself.  This is when the harmony came flooding in.  This is when I started to move on. 

I am now living for my family.  I want to share the love that I have with all of you, but if you don’t have time to reciprocate, I don’t have time to sit around and wait.  I'm not trying to be rude or unfair when I say this, I am simply stating that I don’t have time to waddle around trying not to step on people’s feet anymore. 

I am moving on and exploring a new life.  I am welcoming you all on my journey of exploration.  I hope to share my experiences with you and hope that you enjoy discovering things with me.


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