I’ve been thinking for months about how I want to approach
this topic. I’ve talked about it before but I feel that it is something that
doesn’t receive much attention. As I write today, I’m going to be expressing a
lot of experiences that I have on the subject. The feelings I will be
expressing are in no way a cry for help. I am not seeking for sympathy. I do
not need someone to take away the pain I will be talking about. I only wish to
bring your attention to this prevalent ailment that grasps onto nearly 350
million people worldwide.
When I was seven years old I found myself sitting on a hill
outside of my elementary school. I had folded my body into a ball, hoping that
none of the kids that played at the bottom of the hill would see me. I didn’t
know what was wrong. I wanted to hide away and felt that if I bundled myself up
as tight as I could go that I’d disappear. I felt that if I just went away that
the pain I was feeling would leave too. It wasn’t a physical pain but a pain so
deeply rooted into my emotions that every ounce of my little body was fighting
against it. As my friend approached me, asking me what was wrong, I couldn’t
clearly describe the awful feeling I felt within me. This is the earliest
memory I have with my depression.
Depression is something that plagues a lot of the people
around me. We’ve sort of developed a quiet group of individuals that just don’t
feel right about themselves. We don’t vocally express our feelings, but with
silent nods we connect. There are times however, when the symptoms bubble to
the surface and we huddle around each other in quiet understanding. One friend
of mine was given a video that personified depression as a black dog. This
black dog follows you around seeking as much attention as it can get. There are
times when it’s easy to avoid the dog. You can distract yourself with work,
school, family, hobbies, etc. But, there are other times when the dog is so
demanding that it hogs all of your attention. When one of us is feeling
exceptionally down in the dumps, we simply need to say that the black dog is
being needy, and everyone else understands.
As hard as this is for me to say, I feel it’s something that
I need to get out in the open. If you talk to me about this in person I will
deny it. I don’t like saying it. But, so that maybe someone who stumbles upon
this will finally feel like they aren’t alone, I say this- I, Jeremy Sorensen,
have depression.
Depression isn’t something that will go away one day. It can
leave for a long time, making you wonder if you were ever depressed at all, but
it isn’t something that vanishes, never to come back. When it grabs a hold of
you it never lets go. It stays with you through your good and bad times. It’s a
black dog that sometimes fetches a stick but at other times makes you carry it
to the stick. Depression is unique. When you don’t have it you wonder why
others do. You say to yourself, “what do they have to be sad about?” You don’t
mean to be insensitive but come across as brash nonetheless. You want to
understand it but can’t fathom why someone would want to spend their day in bed.
Depression is not something that someone desires to have in their life. It’s
not something that someone seeks after. It’s a force that grips so tightly on
your heart that at times you are left breathless.
I will go days without feeling depressed. I smile, sing, and
altogether enjoy my life. I live in a sense of euphoria. In these moments I
feel like nothing could ever get me down. Then, like molasses slowly dripping
down an ice cube, depression burrows its little head into my mind. It slowly
starts to chip away at the euphoria. I begin to feel tired and anxious. I have
moments of anger and sadness. I can’t express how I feel and it hurts. I slide
down a slide into a dark pit, not knowing when I’ll hit the bottom. I slide alone,
feeling like there is no one around who understands. I wallow. I pine to be
free of the war going on in my head. I feel like I’m a burden on my family. I
convince myself that my friends don’t want me around. I silence myself. I want
to crouch into a little ball and disappear. These thoughts rush through my mind
like a bitterly cold wind. I know that I have caring friends and family. I know
that they want to help me. I know that all I have to do is open my mouth and
tell them how I’m feeling, but I can’t speak. My brain is telling me to open up
and let the words flow, but my mind is telling me to run away and hide in a
cave because that’s where I belong. As much as I try and overcome it by
exercising, eating right, and trying to get as much sleep as I can, the
depression doesn’t leave until it wants to. It latches onto the harbor of my
thoughts and feelings and doesn’t set sail until it’s ready. Then, out of the
blue, it’s gone and I’m left wondering why I ever felt sad in the first place.
It’s different for everyone. When I said it was unique I
wasn’t being overly dramatic. It grasps people in different ways. I know
someone who clings to the person that they love the most when they are down. They
can’t get themselves to do anything other than clinging onto the person that
they know won’t judge them for how they feel. There is someone I know that
lashes out in frustration. Their emotions spiral down the anger trail. I have
one friend whose thoughts drove him to trying to end his pain by taking so many
pills that he would died. He’s still alive today, his body denying the amount
of pills he took, making him vomit all of them up. I had a friend whose
depression got so bad that he decided to take his rifle and shoot himself in the
head. We were in High School and no one knew that he was suffering so much. He was
popular. We all thought he was going to go places with his life. We didn’t
realize that we’d go to school one day and hear that he killed himself. I was
part of a group of kids who were called to set up grief rooms for individuals
who needed a place to go. We had to set up the rooms and be there for other
students who may need to talk. When the school day was over and I finally went
home, I fell onto my couch and cried.
The worst moment of my life happened shortly after my friend
committed suicide. I found that I couldn’t snap out of the depression that had
coated my mind. There were moments where I’d write down things so dark and
disturbing that I didn’t even know where they had come from. I started writing
goodbye letters to family and friends. Death was a constant thought that
plagued me. I wrote a list of things that I would need to do before I allowed
death to take me. It got to the point that I knew how I was going to kill
myself, when I was going to do, and where it would take place. I found solace
in nothing and no one. I felt so alone in the world. As I reminisce about that
moment, silent tears fall down my face. As someone who suffers with depression,
I still find myself awestruck by some of the thoughts that I have streaming in
my head. I find that my past is a dark pit of despair that I had fallen into.
How I got out of the pit, or at least climbed to a higher level of it, I still
don’t know.
You are not alone. There are people and resources that can help.
Depression is a dirty thing that tries to manipulate everything that you do.
But, you can take control of it. As hard as it is at times, you can work with
your depression instead of simply letting it wash over you in a thick fog of
black. You do not need to fight this battle by yourself. I have firsthand
knowledge that depression makes you feel alone. It makes you feel like you are
worthless. It drives into your mind thoughts of failure and misery. Even if you
are not to a point where you can talk about it, know that you aren’t alone. Find
someone, anyone, and simply attach to them. Cling to them as a beacon of hope.
Make them the reason you survive. You don’t even need to tell them, simply make
that person the reason you get out of bed. If you can’t find anyone then attach
to me. I have room for whoever needs a little strength. You have worth.
Things took a turn for the better for me when I finally
admitted to someone else that I had depression. I was a missionary for my
church and things with my depression got to the point that I was beginning to
have suicidal thoughts again. I felt like I had failed myself and the mission I
had been sent on. A few people took notice and I found myself sitting in a room
with a therapist. As much as I didn’t want to go see a “shrink” and as much as
he didn’t seem to care about my problems, I needed to go. I needed to finally
let out all of the pent up thoughts and feelings that had become cancerous to my
soul. I expressed my deep-seeded depression. I expounded upon the moment I was
going to take my own life. I illustrated the feelings I was having of intense
failure and sadness. I felt empty and talking about it helped me fill up a
little inside. He gave me some medication to help with my depression. The next few months were spent in his office
making sure the pills were working how they should. It’s disheartening to admit
that eventually I stopped taking them. They worked the way they were designed
to work but left me with other problems that I didn’t want.
To those who might be reading my blog and don’t have
depression, please, be kind. Depression isn’t just being sad. It isn’t
something that a few shots of sunshine is going to cure. Depression is your
saddest moment times infinity. When someone has depression they know that
people love them and care about them but still feel like they are alone in the
world. Depression is sitting in a room full of people and thinking that they
would all be better off if you weren’t around. It’s hearing every nice and kind
word that someone says about you, and often times even believing in those
words, but feeling so unkind and mean as well. It’s a tornado of putrid
thoughts that seep into every crevice of the soul. People with depression can’t
simply snap out of it. They can’t just tell themselves to be happy. You might
tell them to think of everything that they have to look forward to in life,
everything that they have already been given, but to them life still seems
hopeless. Please, be kind.
Everyone deals with depression in different ways. After I
stopped taking the medication, I started bottling up the depression into tiny
bottles. I placed these bottles on a shelf in the farthest reaches of my mind.
To this day, I still place bottles on the shelf. Sometimes, a bottle or two
will fall off and shatter, causing a hole to open under my feet that I can’t
seem to escape falling into. I’ve learned however that simply letting people
know that I’m depressed helps me cope. By putting a face to the sadness, I am
able to realize that although life seems hopeless and all I want to do is lay
in bed, eventually I’ll climb out of the hole again.
Please, I beg of each and every one of you who reads this
blog, don’t let depression rule your life. Please, find a way to manage it.
Whether you talk to a therapist and start taking meds or you simply let people
into the dark pit of your feelings, please do something. Depression takes and takes
until there is nothing left but a husk. It’s a parasite that needs to be
cleansed. It is the black dog.
-Jer
If you want a link to the black dog video, here's the link----> BLACK DOG
And here is another one----->ANOTHER ONE
https://youtu.be/2VRRx7Mtep8
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