Friday, March 6, 2015

Preachy...I think much!

I think it's hard for a lot of people to understand change.  They can't see that all around them, small changes happen everyday.  It's a natural part of life.  Change can be a very difficult topic.  It causes people to think outside of their tight little box.  There aren't a lot of people who honestly like to step outside of their comfort zone and imagine something new.  Change however, is inevitable.  You can't avoid it no matter how small you try and keep your bubble.  Even those who say that they live life on the edge, "outside of their boxes" so to speak, can't understand change when it happens.  To give up something, like living on the edge, for a life less thrilling can be difficult.  But, it's these changes, both large and small, that make us who we are.  It's these random differences that happen sporadically that make us or break us.

I'm not comfortable stepping outside of my box with some of the changes that have happened in my life.  It's been hard to change.  It's been hard to think in a different way.  I have thought in one way my entire life and to even try and think about life differently has provided a little anxiety.  It's a change that started over three years ago and one that I didn't welcome with grace.  I tried to claw my way back to how things were in the past.  I wanted to think and feel how I had always felt and thought.  I wanted to go back into the past and live as I had once upon a time.  I was fake and this caused me to go through life's moments with hollowness.  It wasn't until last week, when I gave myself one final attempt at the life that I once had, that I realized that the life I had held so tightly was not for me.  My life had changed.  It had altered in such a way that no matter how hard I tried to fight it the change happened. 

I'm now looking to my future instead of my past.  I'm not fighting anymore to have something that I started letting go of a long time ago.  I'm not interested in going back and continuing on a path that brought me so much grief and sadness.  There were many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I didn't feel like I was good enough.  There were nights where I'd lie awake feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders because, no matter how hard I tried, I didn't feel like I was progressing the way I was taught. 

I know that the changes that I have made are going to cause an uproar.  There are going to be a lot of tears.  I'm going to break a few hearts.  There might even be a few people who decide that I'm not worth talking to anymore.  I have thought long and hard about all of the situations that might arise once this becomes general knowledge.  I'm glad that I have a wife who is completely supportive and who is also going through very similar changes.  I can no longer live to make other people happy while at the same time sinking further into misery myself.  I must think of my family and myself.  I need to start thinking about what I feel is best for them and for me.  I am now happy, something that three years ago I couldn't say with confidence.  I'm excited for the new adventure that I am on.  My admonition to all of you is to embrace the changes that you are making.  I have never felt more alive knowing that I finally ended a chapter in my life and can start a new one.  I still have difficulty with one thing or another, but at the end of the day I can genuinely say that I am a better person.


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