Tuesday, May 12, 2015

My own

I know, it's been a few months.  I took a step back from the social media side of my life.  I needed a break.  My life has become very stressful.  I took on a new opportunity at work, which has me working all sorts of hours.  Melissa and I are trying to find a new home.  I think we found one today. We are going to go tonight and look at it and then make an offer.  We are really excited.  My children are growing up, sometimes faster than I realize.  I'm also going to school full-time, which doesn't help my mood.  But, I'm back.  I don't know how often I will write but I am here today.

Life has an interesting way of slapping you in the butt when you need to do something different.  Sometimes it feels flirty, almost like a lover that you had long forgotten about.  Other times, it feels like a punishment for doing something wrong.  It stings and although you want to cry out you realize that it won't do any good.  You will not show any weakness.   You are too stubborn.  You want to change but not in the way that life wants you too.  Why do you need to change to fit the mold that society has placed upon you.  Why must you conform to a norm that you know in your heart that you won't like.  Is it the popular thing to do?  Is it what all of the "cool" kids are doing.  I lived my entire life trying to do what other people wanted me to do.  I tried to fit into the mold that my family and friends placed me into.  The problem was that I never fit.  I don't think I wanted to fit.  I spent so long trying to fit the frame that the people around me wanted me to fit into that when life slapped me in the butt, I didn't know how to take it.  I wanted to cry, but like I said, I am too stubborn.  There was a time where I just went through the motions, not really following the cliche of society, but not doing my own thing.  I was lost.  I felt as though I had no where to turn.  Life had taken on a sort of plain existence for me.

Last week, I realized how I wanted my life to be lived.  I realized what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  I wanted to be different.  I didn't want to follow the crowd anymore.  I couldn't just stand the complacent either, watching as my life was ran for me.  I realized the direction I wanted to take, and when life came and slapped me in the butt again, it was the familiar lover who touched me.   

I want to be free to make my own decisions.  I don't want someone to make those for me.  I don't want a job, a friend, a family member, a church, or anything else too tell me what I should or should not do.  I don't want to be made to feel guilty for everything that I do in my life.  I don't want to feel trapped in a bubble that those around me feel I need to be in.  I want to decide for myself where my life is going. 

I am going to open and have a successful business one day.  I decided many years ago that I wanted to open my own diner/cafe.  I wanted to go to Culinary School so that I could learn how to do that.  I wanted to hone my skills in the kitchen and felt that I needed to attend a specialized school in order to do that.  What I have learned since I became a cook in a professional kitchen is that I don't need to go to a Culinary School to learn what I need to learn.  I have already learned most of it and my job payed me to learn.  I didn't have to pay them.

I am going to finish my college education.  I will be a successful college graduate.  I am going back to my roots and have decided to pursue a degree in microbiology.  This is a pursuit that I tried to start in High School but put it on the back burner because I felt that my other activities were more important.   

I will be happy with my life and the things that I have and will do.  I won't allow the judgements of those around me to effect how I feel about myself nor what I want to do.  I am now living for me and for my own.  I am no longer going to allow others to control what I do.


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